I Am Sorry


Ageing is an automatic process of becoming older. A baby turn into a kid in a flash, the kid turn into a young adult in a moment, the young adult turn into an old adult in while. When we are younger there is always a want to grow up faster but when one is an adult we hope that time can slow down or reversed.

Eventually when a kid turns into an adult, their parent will turn into an old adult. The process of witnessing our parents turning into an old adult is quite a traumatic process. Witnessing and accompanying them by their journey  is really opening one up to our mixed emotions of our own journey ahead. Deteriorating health and well being is usually part of this ageing process. Parents whom once we look up for safety, support and everything else as a kid is an image of a giant caretaker for us.  When we witness our giant crumble down at the mercy of health issue reducing them to a frighten and helpless stage of a baby. The kid part in us starts to be shaken and fears sets in. The giant caretaker for our kid has crumble and the kid is left feeling vulnerable and alone.

Another fear that is set in motion is the part in us that fears suffering and death. In seeing the state of suffering of our parent, we are reminded of a reality of life that we are ageing towards. Awhile journeying with our parents through their ageing process.  We are crippled by these overwhelming fear and at the same time we want to stand tall like a giant for them at time like this. This duality of brave and fear fronting our system is a really interesting mixed. We can be brave and fearful at the same time is really about a kind of love. We soldier on even when facing with our huge fear so that we can be the giant that they need in time like this for their kid part. A kind of love that are shared between child and parent.

May all suffer less or never.




The White Knight Within


The concept of an archetype is found in areas relating to behavior, modern psychological theory, and literary analysis. An archetype can be

  1. a statement, pattern of behavior, or prototype which other statements, patterns of behavior, and objects copy or emulate;
  2. a Platonic philosophical idea referring to pure forms which embody the fundamental characteristics of a thing;
  3. a collectively-inherited unconscious idea, pattern of thought, image, etc., that is universally present in individual psyches, as in Jungian psychology;
  4. or a constantly recurring symbol or motif in literature, painting, or mythology (this usage of the term draws from both comparative anthropology and Jungian archetypal theory).

quoted from wikipedia

I ask for a card that requires my immediate attention and pull out a rescuer card. It resonated. Many times in life I remember a part that truly wants to help or rescue when I see people of fallen grace. Many a times I will bury myself deep into the rescue mission and many times I will overdo it to a state that I bend over my back and break it. When that happen I felt helpless and fell into a deep hole of self pity. When the rescued does not reciprocate in moment like this, I tend to go into a self pity overdrive and self destructive negative spiral. This is the typical shadow attributes of a rescuer.

I identify a part in me with an rescuer archetype, he is the Empathetic White Knight. The shadow journey with him have taught me priceless lessons about boundaries and self love and self respect. All these are important lessons that will groom the light attributes of a rescuer.

Light attributes of a rescuer is to provides strength and support to others in crisis. Acts out of love with no expectation of rewards.






I saw a piece of write up on Hindu god Indra’s explanation of the world’s interconnectedness to his people at his time. He ask for his people to hang up a massive net and ask for a bell to be place on the every knot of the net. He strike one bell and cause it to ring and the the rest of the bell near it are also affected and started ringing. Then he told his people that each bell represents a person. As one single bell affects the other bells, all the bells also affect other bells. One person affects everyone and everyone affects everyone else.

To me it is a concept to explain that one in all and all in one.

Recently I had the privilege to witness the presentation of 35 individuals on their 2014 creative life. All of them are uniquely different and all of them triggered a different parts of me. My different parts resonated with different person’s story.  The beautiful, ugly, happy, sad, rich, poor, flexible and stuck phases of uniquely different life have something in common. They are all beautiful expression of the essence of life and they all triggered me in their unique sense. There always are part or parts in me that feels or resonated with each of the essence of their stories. As if each of the individual’s life story are in me and it felt like a thread connects the part that we resonated seemingly.

Then my mind starts to wonder.

Imagine 35 individuals are connected to me with 35 thread and there are about 7 billion people on earth so that means there are 7 billion threads linking to me. And each of them should also affect and  have a thread linking to each other’s different parts. The number of thread or link will be astronomical. How about others earthlings? They should have a thread linking to us as well, since we can feel and be affected by their well being.  How about the other beings with life visible or invisible? My goodness The number of interconnectivity will be so huge that I am stun in visualisation.

My understanding of One in All and All in one has been elevated to another level. I am feeling it other then understands it.  The interconnectedness of life just took my breathe away and I came back with new found awe.


Curry Exploration


I love curry. Even since I decided to go into meatless diet few years back, the only dish I miss is the curry chicken. It is really not the chicken that I missed but the thick curry gravy.  It reminds me of my grandmother. Curry chicken is her secret weapon to unleashed her love for her children and grandchildren. Every one loves it and I think she felt love through it.

Maybe it is her unconditional love that I missed and I have projected it into curry. I heard a friend talking about how grand children received the most unconditional love from grandparents as they are the ones whom allow the child to be a child.

No wonder I have constant craving of curry, is this the constant craving for unconditional love? Possibly. I will always go out of the way for a bowl of nice, Ah ma style curry. Many times alone I can take a bus to a vegetarian restaurant with the curry dish with that same scent. This indulgence is so much that one day I envision myself diving into a giant bowl of curry soup.

Another friend told me about someone whom is so fanatic about spaghetti that she got a giant plate of spaghetti made on her 90th birthday. Then she swam in it. Immediately I thought of doing a dip into a pool of curry at some later birthday. The nice part is that no one will want to eat the curry then, I will have it all for myself….. my precious. Ooops my indulgences is seemingly slipping into an addiction. Too much of the good stuff may not be good even if it is unconditional love.



Flowery World

The world is laden with temptation so real that one can be easily hook, attached or get addicted. So much so that the one and the masses around are oblivious of the trappings.

Maya or Māyā (Sanskrit माया māyāa[›]), a term found in Pali and Sanskrit literature, has multiple meanings and can be translated to mean something of an “illusion” (or more accurately a “delusion“).

quoted from wikipedia

From basic needs of food, shelter, money and self sufficiency to higher needs of power and self actualization. All these layers are laden with temptation trappings that can set one into a deep addictive trances.

Get rich scheme, save the world campaign, health and image consciousness are sprinkle at so many levels that one can be easily influenced by the mass media. As the masses are under the illusion of this temptation it created a powerful herd mentality. This powerful mentality creates an even stronger suction of the masses towards this tempting illusion. This masses is addicted to the bright future group. The feel good, feel powerful and self actualize group march on towards the enhancement of riches and power.

The rest of masses that are unable to reach the standard of the bright future group will be force to go into another kind of temptation. The temptation of numbing and living like zombies. I will call this group of masses the dark future group. This group will be suck into another dimension of addiction and illusion. The addiction of numbing the pain and amplifying any good feeling  eg. getting high, eroticism. Drinking gallantly, gambling excessively, sex overdrive, food gluttony. This group march on towards the tip of indulgence.

One from the bright future group can fall into the dark future group when one loses the edge. One can also rise from the dark future group to the bright future group by luck or grace. No matter where one is, one is either under the bright illusion or dark illusion.

I believe the line between both the bright and dark illusion is the point of reality of truth.







Feeling (colour)

Such a feeling coming over me, I am drifting along in the ocean of life. I don’t know where I will be going but there is no violent rejection from me on drifting unknowingly. There are constant stream of fear splashing on my face but I still allow the drift to continue bringing me to the unknown. Is this paralysis or surrendering? It seems a bit of both.

Felt like I have been sailed around the vast ocean on the humpback. The sun’s ray certainly helps to warm my nerve and calm my fear. And the beating of the waves soothes my lostlessness and choicelessness. Maybe the eye of the pyramid under the ocean of life is looking after me. Maybe I actually know where I am going and maybe I do not.

But such a feeling is coming over me.

The Journey

Mechanics of Life


The journey of life felt to me that it is like a hot air balloon trip. To embark on it, holding on only caused bruising and unnecessary pain. Signing on for the journey but still holding on to attachment and addiction may be a self inflicted cruelty. But it may also have been the process of grooming the ego for a higher task. A necessary evil I guess.

When everything is wrong, one just need to know that everything will right itself eventually. The journey does not start as long as one is not ready. So in a way life seems so diplomatic to all beings.

Up up and away ……………

Odd one



I was admiring a pond full of colourful kois and enjoying the way they dances in the pond like a huge musical show. As they swim around in unison it seems like flashes of red, orange, yellow, white colour blending in a colour palette. The mixtures of beautiful colours change as the kois swim towards and away from each other. As if it is playing to the melody of nature’s music. So beautiful a sight.

At the far corner a big, black and ugly fish swim towards the kois, it seems to have disrupted the beautifully blended display. It looks oddly out of place. Bulky and dull looking black seems to have spoil the magnificence of the colourful fireworks.

My attention turns to the big black fish. It is double the size to the rest of the kois. It had two streak of blue luminance from its head to tail. The blue luminance actually brings out a new age character from its dull black body.

My perception suddenly change, I felt like the black fish actually bring on a refreshing magical feel to the kois’ colourful display. It felt like black is in vogue.

The odd one can be in vogue in a flickering seconds from the judgement of my perception. The speed of thought is oddly fearsome.




Tai Chi 和和


A knowing of duality and the balance in life just flows through me. Tai chi is about duality and the balance of the 2 extremes. As in life when one is engulf by the energy of huge sadness, the opposite energy which is huge happiness will flow through to compensate and bring one back to a balance state of being. Energy is never about time or duration, it is about the quantity of it.

2 examples came into mind. One that is laden with sad energy through life may at deathbed be awaken with extreme happiness because one is going to be  released. One that is laden with happy energy through life may at deathbed awaken with extreme sadness because of one’s addiction to the good life. Duality is a function of life that brings all life back to a balance state. Equilibrium felt like the state of Zen. If all experiences of life be it pleasant or unpleasant to one is to be experienced truly then it is a conscious journey.

I don’t know why this knowing suddenly came through me this moment. But it certainly brings a sense of peace and grounding to me.


Self Slaughter – Attack of Critic


Clarity is such a beautiful word. The path towards it does not seems as beautiful for now. As awareness starts to increase all the usual small stuff turns into a gigantic one. Its like observing a small cut under a microscope. Usually the pain felt so small that you forget about it in a while. But once it is under a microscope, the cut can look so horrifying that it induces massive fear, guilt and pain. And together with the critics that pounced in for the free slaughter, it seems like fear, pain, guilt and all the shadow parts is having an al fresco party. Ouch…………….

All my sanity went for the cover when moment like this happen. Imagine it is like the government declaring a no law day, all the murderers, thieves, rapist and bullies just come to enjoy their deeds in broad day light. The normal citizen of the country will be living their darkest moment of their life.

I seems to be hitting this point in life. Words, communication and even a feeling exchange can trigger me in such a sense. Today I was triggered again and I kind of just fell into a swimming pool of dark and sticky water of pain. I know the reason, I know why, I know deeply that it is my ego going into a defensive mood. But my clarity on it amplify not only the problem but also on the hurt. So much so that I am deactivated from my own sane self. The only sanely act I could muster up is to stop all external communication and tune in for the moment before I create an unintended external mess.

Ouch……………………………………………….but I do see the reason for this to be happening but I still ouch …………………………………………………………………….    :”(