Tribute

holy

Last Breath

 

The dance with death can be long and painful or short & quick tango. But eventually the dance will end and one will step through the gate of lifelessness. At that final moment one’s last gasp of air, last breath, last inhale & exhale and then life is gone from one’s physical body. The eyelid starts to drop down lifelessly and the body stall into lifelessness. It’s gone, he is gone.

Heart rate monitor shows a flat line and screaming it’s alert. But he is not moving, not breathing, no more living. Witnessing his last breath, his final moment and departure of his life brings an avalanche of tears. The tears seems to be symbolising my heartfelt farewell to him. We will never again have a chance to relive this current life story that we have shared for the last 40 years. May be we will meet again but our current story will have been a history as a past life. A farewell for our present to become our past.

Since young he has not been the healthiest but he is the one that comes to his mother’s rescue whenever she is beaten by her husband. Growing up in a poor family with many siblings was never easy. He has to roam the street and outside world to survive from a young age. Salvaging expired pineapple can, doing odd jobs and catching fishes from the river has been his childhood.

As an young adult he work as an unlicensed cab driver and sale man selling all kinds of stuff, bee hoon, shampoo, candles etc. His vehicle of choice is a van so that he can sell more. Because he had a van, a friend asked him to help fetched a Malaysian friend whom came to Singapore to work in the factory. This Malaysian friend is one hot young lady from Taiping (Malaysia).  They fell in love and got married. They work really hard for life and produced 4 kids.

He has been a responsible, faithful and hard working man for his wife, children and family. He is passionate about life and is proud of his own achievement in health and wealth. He enjoys dispensing his street smart learning to all. Diligent is his strong trait, in pursue of good health he will drive in the wee hours to climb a hill daily. In pursue of good wealth he will work 15 hours daily and 363 days a year.

After his wife pass on 7 years ago, he went into a depressive grieve. His heart and body deteriorated ever since then. He used to dispense tough love but his action always leave a trace of his sweetness to his family. Even in his weaken state he is always worried about his children’s well being.

He is my dad.

I never seems to be affectionately close to him, I guess I felt intimidated by him. I felt the benchmark he set for me is too tough for me, in a sense it killed a part of me. Hence the distance grows due to my fear of standing under his shadow.

These 2 years as his body deteriorated, our distance grew nearer as there is no more shadow scaring me away. I am glad that it have been this way as I start to feel his love that I have not experience before. The image of a scene 2 weeks before his departure resurfaces in my mind. He was in the hospital bed and I was standing beside it. He suddenly do a throwing motion at me and said “hold the baton, I am dying”. It is only now that I understand the meaning of it. It is his acceptance & acknowledgement of me. My part that have been killed have been revived.

 

Dad thank you for everything.

I am sorry for not living your expectation. Please forgive me.

I love you and hope that you depart to a much better place.

 

Addiction

holy

blade of unentanglement

 

Life is build upon needs. Physical needs, emotional needs and spiritual needs are all needs for a soul to manifest fully for its earthly experience. As needs are integral to life, one is bind to their needs and so to life itself. The binding is so strong that one will be overwhelmingly addicted to much or all of our needs.

Addiction to our needs is necessary but at the same time may create unnecessary suffering. If one’s true needs is the first layer then the addiction to our needs is another second layer covering the first layer. There are also addiction that is used to cover up one’s fear or undesirable needs which is the third layer. All these layers distance one from one’s true needs.

Fear usually lead one to use other addiction to numb oneself from a need deprivation. An example will be sexual needs that cannot be expressed due to the fear of shame and embarrassment. One may use alcohol or food to numb ourself from the deprive sexual needs. As the initial sex need deprivation goes into an overdrive mode so will the alcohol or food binge, leading to heavy addiction to alcohol or food binge. This bring unnecessary suffering of the side effects of over consumption and bringing one further away from the truth or origin of the problem.

Addiction can be to anything. Addicted to be alone, to be accompanied, to eat, to drink, to numb, to feel powerful, to feel stupid, to feel smart, to hide, to be ballsy. to be love, to be unloved etc etc. When there is a compulsion to do something constantly and slowing down or stopping is very difficult, that is an addiction.

When one untangle an addiction one releases a bondage and lead oneself nearer to our truth.

I used to believe that 3 meals a day and exercising regularly gives one a healthy and efficient body. I was so addicted to this that I tirelessly exercise intensively and eat religiously for years. This does enable me to have to healthy and strong body but the work to maintain this is so much and so tiring. It is so difficult to maintain using this forceful approach. One fine day I just decide that this does not make sense and seek an alternative approach. I started eating so much lesser and stop exercising regularly. The result is amazing, my body became lean and healthy and I actually does not feel hungry with much lesser food. I started to realised that our body do not need so much food and exercise to maintain its healthy and efficient level. By eating based on society standard is in fact giving our body more problem then protection. By exercising extensively we are forcing our body to be stronger then it need to be. My new approach to body wellness is more gentle to my body and mind, the simplicity of it untangled my addiction to social norm on body wellness.

With the unentanglement of this addiction, a new found peace of surrendering my addiction ‘to control my body’. Allowing it to be itself is to respect it as itself. Just allow.