Both my palms are pulsating. I dont even know when it started. Its almost like they are vibrating. What an unusual feeling that feels really good. Its like all the pores are breathing and humming deeply together. These sensations slowly spreads throughout both arms and towards my heart. Vortexes of pulsating energies gathered on my heart and both palms. I realised that i had this silly grin on my face that i cant seems to wipe off. The pulsating energies seems to be moving in waves. As the waves of energies hit a high, pleasurable moaning starts to come to life. It coupled into a synchronistic symphony with the pulsations. My heart and palm vortexes starts to open up like flower. It felt like i am basking in a continous flow of joyous energy.
Then i saw myself lying on a lush green field with plenty of little white daisy. Up above is a greek goddess serenading golden nectar of joy on me. She has beautiful blonde hair and a flower crown adorned with white daisies. The sun above her is so warm and bright that i cant open my eyes fully. Behind her stands a majestic greek temple and my heart tells me that it is my temple. I felt so touched and blessed by these abundance of estatic joy and orgasmic pleasure that i wonder if this is just a dream. Well no matter if it is a dream or not a dream. A joy is a joy is a joy. An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. Period. 😀
I have always been fearful of death. My own death. Every time when I started thinking of that moment when I die, I will be so petrified by my avalanche of fear that my physical mind will kick me out of that thought. Thinking as if not thinking will be changing something. Why am I so fearful? Is it the decomposing of my physical body? Or the burning of it?
When I die. When my physical body have been burnt into ashes. I will become a void to the world. If I still witness the world moving on and I am a void witnessing the world moving on. This felt like an eternal jail of observing without participation. This is a scary thought. Isn’t this like eternal hell? Fear of death is fear of being here but not being here.
A friend’s recent passing has brought this topic to my mind.
最近一个朋友的往生又把这问题带来我的脑海.
Lying on bed and pondering over death. What is death?
躺在床上，琢磨死亡这问题.
Looking at the clock beside and the time is 9am. My consciousness started peeking behind my fear. Thinking, asking and hoping to get clarity about death.
看着旁边的时钟,时间是上午9点. 我的意识开始勇敢的看着我的恐惧. 想了解想知道死亡的真相.
Next moment I was consciously doing something else in another world. I am identified with my persona then doing my stuff in that world of mine.
下一刻，我有意识地在另一个世界做别的事情. 我确定当时的我在我的那个世界做我的东西.
Suddenly I awoke from my dream. I turn my head and saw the time is 9.30am. I am conscious of me (JT) falling into dreamland. I am conscious of me in another persona (DT) in the dreamland. And I am now conscious of me coming back into my persona (JT) here.
It is as if my consciousness travel without skipping a beat from JT to DT and back to JT. When I was DT I do not remember JT and when I am JT I vaguely remember DT.
A sudden knowing jolt me into excitement. Hey isn’t this the truth of death.
突然一股无名的兴奋勇上心头.这不就是死亡真相吗.
When I am DT, I only remember story of DT. When I am JT, I only remember story of JT. It is as if I am the consciousness that travel through worlds and assuming different persona of bodies experiencing that world.
The line where dream becomes wake land or wake land becomes dream land is the line of death.
在DT的现实世界于JT的现实世界之间的那条线不就是死亡线.
A line where consciousness slip from one side to another side. So graceful so easy so automatic.
一条我意识穿梭于不同世界不同的角色的线. 那么容易因那么简单.
Hey if this is death I am not afraid anymore. Something is lifted in me. My baggage of fearing death may have been enlightened and relieve in a certain sense.
如果这是死，我不怕了. 害怕死亡的感觉已减少了，并在一定意义上缓解了.
A sudden joy came into me. I felt that this conscious experience has gifted me a different eye about death.
突然有一股无名喜悦. 我觉得这个有意识的经历赐予我对死亡不同的看法.
Fearing death is like trapping our consciousness on either side of dream land or wake land when we have not even reaches that line.
担心死亡就像是把我们的意识钉死.
It’s a silly self-created pain trap imagining the line of death is the loss of our consciousness awhile we observe on.
以为死亡带来的是没有身体的意识状态.这是一个愚蠢的自我创造的疼痛陷阱想.
The truth is that we automatically transit our consciousness from one world to another world. From dreamland to wake land or wake land to dream land. This land to other land or to many land.
事实是，我们自动迁移我们的意识从一个世界到另一个世界. 从这个世界到那个世界.
Sometimes knowing and not really remembering. Sometimes not knowing and sometimes knowing it all of what beautiful life we have lead on the other side.
前世的事故有些没有真正记住, 有些完全真正记住, 有些完全没记住.
Our conscious on our dreamland is the conscious of our wake land. It’s the eternal soul that travels through all the magical world of spirit.
我们在梦境的意识也是我们醒时的意识. 我们的意识是我们的灵魂. 穿梭于不同世界不同的角色的大我.
Being fearful of death isn’t it the trap that stop one from living this moment. The real moment is where our consciousness resides.
怕死亡.是一个阻止我们意识活在当下的陷阱. 当下是我们意识的最佳地点.
Living this moment on where the real magic is.
当下是我们意识点石成金的最佳地点.
Death is like waking up to a world and sleeping into another world. Nothing is lost. Consciousness goes on. The physicality of the worlds is gone but only for this moment where our consciousness is on another plane witnessing another magic of that world. Consciousness goes on.
死亡就像是醒来的世界和睡眠时进入了另一个世界. 不会丢失. 我们意识就是我们不灭的灵魂. 之前世界的肉体消失了，但只在这个时刻，我们的意识只是到另一个世界另一个肉体目睹游玩.
The death fear melt away like an ice cream under the burning sun.
In the world of gods and demi gods. In a society of advance civilisation, living at the fore front of evolution. At the peak of consciousness awakening in all of the universe, we are just one step shy of total awakening. I am the captain of the elite team of protector. Protector for our civilisation, our people and our king.
Today is an extremely joyous day as we reach a new frontier in our evolutionary advancement. We are unveiling our state of the art new fighter spacecraft to the universe. This new spacecraft once merge with a pilot will have the energy capacity of the sun. Imagine the full power of the sun being directed by a single pilot. This will be a showcase of the awesome advancement of our civilisation. I feel so proud to be a part of this.
My moment of blissful thoughts was being jolted to the present moment from a sudden sounding of a messenger. The messenger came forth to inform that our King had called for me.
The interior of the King’s palace is adorn with intricate architecture of gold and silver. The opulence and extravagance of the design and sheer magnitude exudes the sense of awe to all. My King is already at his throne awaiting. I reached before him and kneel in respect to his sacredness.
“Raised Captain, you have been chosen to pilot our newest spacecraft codename GARUDA.” “You are to showcase our pride on our civilisation’s evolutionary advancement to all of the universe.” “Go forth and do me proud, captain.” Said the King.
Then I was brought to the golden chamber hosting GARUDA, it is there shining with great pride. I was touched by the grace of my King bestowing the greatest gift of my life. To merge and pilot GARUDA is the greatest honour that anyone in our land can have. That moment I vowed to protect, serve and do honour for my King, my people and our civilisation with my all of my life and soul.
I places my hand on GARUDA and it opens up a portal for me. I went inside to allow merging to be initiated. Immediately the surged of power going through all of my different levels of body got me totally overwhelmed. The intensity of its potential is wildly beyond my wildest imagination. My physical, emotional, mental, astral, etheric, celestial and ketheric body went into a power overwhelming state. The merging brought to me the true knowing of the magnitude of real power of the sun. Our merging took the longest while and finally we are ready to showcase the pride of our civilisation. I am ready.
In the speed of light I have surge out of our homeland towards the sun. The sheer mass and power of the sun felt intimidating. But the surge of power within GARUDA is so overwhelming that everything seems possible. We decided to shut down the sun’s light for a fleeting moment to showcase to the universe of our evolutionary advancement. I will gather all the power within GARUDA to stop all of the sun’s light ray for a moment. It took a long moment for me to fully charged up GARUDA and when it hit peak power. We unleashed a thunder bolt of energy so intensely powerful that it stop all of the sun’s ray from shining out. That instance the sun turn pitch black.
It work. A huge sense of honour runs through my body, shining the pride of our civilisation. As celebration of achievement and pride run through my mind, I saw energy cracks appearing in the black sun. This phenomenon does not look right. My eyes are wide open as the sun exploded. The explosion is so loud that I am deaf to it. The explosion is so bright that I am blinded to it. Time starts to slow down as I witness the destruction of the sun, the explosion also destroyed the planets around and even my homeland. Everything is destroyed, my homeland, civilisation, people and King. Death is everywhere. As I float motionlessly in space a black hole of guilt, sorrow and hollowness chokes me awake.
Suddenly my eyes are wide open realising that I was awaken from an intense dream.
A 9 years old was with an angry father in a room. Sensing his impending danger, the child screams for help and pleading for his life. The angry eyes of the man just became angrier. There will not be mercy, there will only be the pain of the punishment. The man started shouting at the child. “Why are you so lazy!”. “Why are you getting 70 marks for spelling!”. “Why do you have to make me so angry that I have to punished you!”. “Stop screaming!”.
The child started running around the room for escape but found the door locked. Outside the door are his mother and grandmother pleading mercy for him. His fear was exacerbate by his powerless saviours. Then he notice a stinging pain on his leg. The man started canning him. The shock and pain startled him and he scramble to escape. Screaming in fear for mercy. The man cornered him and shouted. ” The more you scream or run the more painful this will be!”. Facing the towering threat, massive fear paralyse his small body. There was no voice or movement but a torrential rain of canning. Pain overload his senses till he was frozen. Dried rivers of tear, whimper of shame, lashes of cane print and a bleeding cane mark on a ankle is the remainder of the aftermath.
The angry man left the room and his 2 powerless saviour rushes in to soothes any fear or pain. The caring words and soothing medication does little. Little did they know, the child have already frozen his fear, helplessness, pain and shame of the mad moment into a part of himself.
Many years later.
At an inner studies workshop. A man was deepening into himself to identify his lower self. He identified with manipulator, conformist, blockage and defeat in him. As he deepens he realised that his conformist is his defence mechanism to manipulate others, so that he will not faced with tough and fearful situation. He discover that he has been living as a conformist throughout his life. That means he have not live authentically. Suddenly a childhood memories flashes through. The one that he was caned by his father in a locked room. A huge grief and pain overwhelm him into tears. There is a knowing that his life till now has been orchestrated by this frozen child. The fear, helplessness, pain and shame that have been freeze into a part of him that yearns safety and have devise those lower self characters.
Having the clarity this man is ready to go deeper into healing this frozen child part. As his parent and grandparent have already pass on. His teacher and guides ask him what will he tell them if they are in front of him. Tears started overflowing as an impending energies from the thawing frozen part seems to be unleashing. He shouted out with full anger and rage ” I HATE YOU!”. With that he collapsed into an avalanche of pain, shame and helpless crying. These seems to be a released of the emotions that is frozen when he was a child.
Suddenly he was awaken to the big hole in his heart. Green slimy juice of bitterness is flowing out of it. It was a terrible feeling. But there is a knowing that this is the start of his healing process. The heart will never know love when it is filled with bitterness.
“Never point your finger at the moon or else the moon god will cut your ears tonight”, says grandma in a serious tone. The young me obeyed without questioning. Grandma is always right. There is an incident after this, that I pointed at the moon accidentally and I freaked out. The fear of my ears dropping out, hounded me constantly through the day. I will be touching my ears frequently to check if they are still there. That night I cant sleep as I was so fearful that my ears will be lost once I fall asleep. The tormenting fear kept me holding to my ears and fighting my sleep monster to stay awake.
The next moment I woke up in horror, realising that I have fallen asleep unknowingly. I clasped my ears with both hands and felt relief that they are still there. The moon god did not to cut my ears and as I sigh in relief, then a stinging pain came from behind my left ear. It felt and looks like a fresh wound. An abrasion that I did not notice yesterday. It must have been the moon god. So frighten by this that I rush to tell grandma on the happening. Then she chuckles awhile telling me that the moon god must have just given me a warning this time. So I better be obedient and not to do it again else I may lost my ears.
The pain, the happening and grandma’s words sink in so deep in me that I became so conscious of my pointing finger. Never dare to randomly point to the sky as I may again point at the moon accidentally. This taboo live with me for ages till my young adult years. I only mustered enough courage to test this taboo after learning much scientific facts on the moon. It is only then that I have this myth busted. I remembered clearly at that night of the testing I still had a nudging fear in me. And I have only dispel the fears of this taboo after many moons of testing and self proving.
Indeed taboo can be like a living curse for a person. Limiting their physicality, limiting their mentality, limiting them to a space that have been pre define. Taboo can have such a grip on a person that can transcend time, space in our mental and physical dimension.
In this moon pointing taboo that I experience, it must have passed down from my grandma’s parents or grandparents. And they must likely have received it from their parents or grandparents. Who knows how far the origin of this taboo is in time and how wide the reached is in space. God knows why is there a taboo like this created? A troll, a belief or even a miscommunication.
The thing is that if I have not challenge the fear of this taboo. Then to this day when someone ask where is the moon, I will point my chin to show the direction rather then my fingers. How sad is this, that I am held hostage to this taboo that may only be a joke from someone long before me.
Whenever one feels fearful or shameful by a topic, a situation or even a thought. One most probably have a taboo on it. Taboo is like a red tape that cordon off the surrounding that one is restricted too. It restrict the flow of life. Restricting life only to the area that is lighted by the taboo and the areas restricted by the taboo is dark as it is protected by fear and shame.
Facing our taboo is a path facing one’s fear and shame. Casting our courageous light towards the darkness of our taboo will create and make more space for our life. Breaking our cage of ignorances and allow our life to grow in abundance. Let there be courage to switch on our torch light of bravery and to explore beyond the shadows cast by our taboo.
I am a wizard in the time of great change. The forces of darkness has almost consumed all the light of the land. I am fighting till my last breathe for the sake of protecting the last blade of light that is left of the land. My body is dying, my mental is breaking but the light in my heart is as bright as ever.
Who am I?
I am the burning red humming bird that manifested from the dying wizard’s hand. I hold the secret of the light that I have to send out. My sole purpose and mission is to dispatch the secret of the light. I endure all pain, fear and worries flying my way of out the darkest land. That is the sole purpose of my life. An arrow broke through my back and pierced through my heart.
I cannot die, not now. I have to complete my purpose. With the greatest regret my life ended with me failing on the most important mission of the land.
Who am I?
I am a maggot feasting on the carcass of a delicious red humming bird. I am so hungry, I need to eat more. I eat and eat till there is nothing more to eat. Then I wait and wait for no food on the horizon till I starved to death.
Who am I?
I am the water vapour that evaporated from the slimy remains of a maggot. I float so high in the sky that I became part of a fluffy dark cloud.
Who am I?
I am a raindrop from a fluffy dark cloud. I am speeding down the sky at a high speed. Then I hit the ground and was absorb into the land.
Who am I?
I am a small plant that was birth by the union of a seed and a drop of water from the sky.
Life is build upon needs. Physical needs, emotional needs and spiritual needs are all needs for a soul to manifest fully for its earthly experience. As needs are integral to life, one is bind to their needs and so to life itself. The binding is so strong that one will be overwhelmingly addicted to much or all of our needs.
Addiction to our needs is necessary but at the same time may create unnecessary suffering. If one’s true needs is the first layer then the addiction to our needs is another second layer covering the first layer. There are also addiction that is used to cover up one’s fear or undesirable needs which is the third layer. All these layers distance one from one’s true needs.
Fear usually lead one to use other addiction to numb oneself from a need deprivation. An example will be sexual needs that cannot be expressed due to the fear of shame and embarrassment. One may use alcohol or food to numb ourself from the deprive sexual needs. As the initial sex need deprivation goes into an overdrive mode so will the alcohol or food binge, leading to heavy addiction to alcohol or food binge. This bring unnecessary suffering of the side effects of over consumption and bringing one further away from the truth or origin of the problem.
Addiction can be to anything. Addicted to be alone, to be accompanied, to eat, to drink, to numb, to feel powerful, to feel stupid, to feel smart, to hide, to be ballsy. to be love, to be unloved etc etc. When there is a compulsion to do something constantly and slowing down or stopping is very difficult, that is an addiction.
When one untangle an addiction one releases a bondage and lead oneself nearer to our truth.
I used to believe that 3 meals a day and exercising regularly gives one a healthy and efficient body. I was so addicted to this that I tirelessly exercise intensively and eat religiously for years. This does enable me to have to healthy and strong body but the work to maintain this is so much and so tiring. It is so difficult to maintain using this forceful approach. One fine day I just decide that this does not make sense and seek an alternative approach. I started eating so much lesser and stop exercising regularly. The result is amazing, my body became lean and healthy and I actually does not feel hungry with much lesser food. I started to realised that our body do not need so much food and exercise to maintain its healthy and efficient level. By eating based on society standard is in fact giving our body more problem then protection. By exercising extensively we are forcing our body to be stronger then it need to be. My new approach to body wellness is more gentle to my body and mind, the simplicity of it untangled my addiction to social norm on body wellness.
With the unentanglement of this addiction, a new found peace of surrendering my addiction ‘to control my body’. Allowing it to be itself is to respect it as itself. Just allow.
Breathlessness – a state where one cannot breath properly. Every breath takes about 2-4 seconds. As long as one is alive our breath powers on every 2- 4 seconds, 24 by 7. Our breath only off day is when one ceases to live, a perpetual off day. Hence our breath is intimately link to our survival. A lack of breathe or breathlessness is really like a dance with Death itself. Living being that is so used to living is never a willing dance partner with Death. This dance is often lace with immense pain, fear and suffering. The dancing ground is usually near the gate of afterlife.
The physical engine that powers our breathe is our heart. Being in our physical realm our heart has an expiry date. A date that it starts deteriorating. According to a doctor, if one’s heart function drop to below 20% the risk of it stalling is very high. On top of that sufferer will be experiencing breathlessness throughout until the heart function manage to go beyond the 20% or the heart stalls. Usually when there is a way, a remedy or a cure for this suffering then it seems reasonable that the sufferer goes through the suffering for the possible salvation. But when there is no possible cure, the suffering for the sufferer to go through till his final moment is a cruelly sad period.
A sufferer in this instance is usually overwhelm by their suffering that they ask for an instant death. For a living being to ask for instant death, their suffering must have crushed their living ego to bits.
As a caretaker of the sufferer. When being plead by the sufferer on ending their suffering life, it is an unusually difficult moment. A moment when a portion of the suffering is being transferred to the caretaker. In honoring the truth of the sufferer and himself. In honoring the fact of life and death. In honoring this difficult final phase that the caretaker is journeying with the sufferer. The caretaker can only be as present as he can to assist in whatever that the sufferer may need in his dance with death.
A sudden breathlessness consumes me, my denial on impermanence may be giving way.
Ageing is an automatic process of becoming older. A baby turn into a kid in a flash, the kid turn into a young adult in a moment, the young adult turn into an old adult in while. When we are younger there is always a want to grow up faster but when one is an adult we hope that time can slow down or reversed.
Eventually when a kid turns into an adult, their parent will turn into an old adult. The process of witnessing our parents turning into an old adult is quite a traumatic process. Witnessing and accompanying them by their journey is really opening one up to our mixed emotions of our own journey ahead. Deteriorating health and well being is usually part of this ageing process. Parents whom once we look up for safety, support and everything else as a kid is an image of a giant caretaker for us. When we witness our giant crumble down at the mercy of health issue reducing them to a frighten and helpless stage of a baby. The kid part in us starts to be shaken and fears sets in. The giant caretaker for our kid has crumble and the kid is left feeling vulnerable and alone.
Another fear that is set in motion is the part in us that fears suffering and death. In seeing the state of suffering of our parent, we are reminded of a reality of life that we are ageing towards. Awhile journeying with our parents through their ageing process. We are crippled by these overwhelming fear and at the same time we want to stand tall like a giant for them at time like this. This duality of brave and fear fronting our system is a really interesting mixed. We can be brave and fearful at the same time is really about a kind of love. We soldier on even when facing with our huge fear so that we can be the giant that they need in time like this for their kid part. A kind of love that are shared between child and parent.
