Self Slaughter – Attack of Critic
Clarity is such a beautiful word. The path towards it does not seems as beautiful for now. As awareness starts to increase all the usual small stuff turns into a gigantic one. Its like observing a small cut under a microscope. Usually the pain felt so small that you forget about it in a while. But once it is under a microscope, the cut can look so horrifying that it induces massive fear, guilt and pain. And together with the critics that pounced in for the free slaughter, it seems like fear, pain, guilt and all the shadow parts is having an al fresco party. Ouch…………….
All my sanity went for the cover when moment like this happen. Imagine it is like the government declaring a no law day, all the murderers, thieves, rapist and bullies just come to enjoy their deeds in broad day light. The normal citizen of the country will be living their darkest moment of their life.
I seems to be hitting this point in life. Words, communication and even a feeling exchange can trigger me in such a sense. Today I was triggered again and I kind of just fell into a swimming pool of dark and sticky water of pain. I know the reason, I know why, I know deeply that it is my ego going into a defensive mood. But my clarity on it amplify not only the problem but also on the hurt. So much so that I am deactivated from my own sane self. The only sanely act I could muster up is to stop all external communication and tune in for the moment before I create an unintended external mess.
Ouch……………………………………………….but I do see the reason for this to be happening but I still ouch ……………………………………………………………………. :”(
Being critic is one of the integral aspect of life. Since birth we have been critic by parents, siblings, relatives, caretakers, friends, teacher, colleague, boss or even strangers consciously or unconsciously. Every time we are being critic we form a solution or evolve current solution to protect ourselves from the hurt and attack.
The solution that we create is in the form of an inner critic part that judges us before the external world come down on us. It may seems like a clever solution but the problem is that as this inner critic part live with us through life. We slowly forget about it but it is still working in our background. Imagine a kid being scolded and punished by his parents for playing in the garden and getting his clothes dirty, if this forms an inner critic in him he may never be able to appreciate nature in the truest sense. And he may also not know why he hates the outdoor. It kind of rob his life experiences away.
There are many types of inner critic like pusher, controller, comparer, saboteur, destroyer, guilt tripper, perfectionist, conformist etc.
Everyday some form of sadness, worry, fear and pain creep into us suddenly without our conscious knowing. Sometimes they snowball into a big one and ruin our day in a huge way. Most of these occurrences could be the nifty work of our inner critics. It can be such a torment as we truly can run but cannot hide from them.
We cant escape from it but we certainly could learn, understand and resolve it with compassion one step at a time.
The Bit Of Life
Ever notice a part of our self dying away for a second, a day, a year or forever? As we shift from one phase to the next phase in life some parts of us die away during the transition. It is just because their time of demise has reached. But many a times due to addiction to familiarity one cling on to the dying part. That creates a zombie out of that part and of us. Going through life in that zombie parts rob us of our truest experiential potential and ability to express our truest to the world.
The thing is that when a part dies it give birth to an opportunity for a new part that is more suited for the current phase. In a sense, it is cruel to disallow our part to die naturally and clinging on to the addiction to it. Creating a zombie of ourself felt like self cruelty. Love ourself and allow nature to take its course.
After death comes rebirth of a more evolve self. Self Love is nature’s way.
War, battles, conflicts are challenging times to the sides involves and everyone near it. They are the external expression of fear. Internal war, battles and conflicts are as explosive as the external ones.
Villa Marier expresses the dynamics of my inner war. The war between my mask self and my bit of true self. My persona of mask self that was created, reinforce, evolve and strengthen from my start till current days. It have been everything that i was. Its fear of losing ground and relegated to the back seat have make it fight so fiercely and relentlessly. As the truth emerges from the true self, the fear that explodes out of my mask persona is creating such a devastation that my observer was totally damage and blind to the truth.
So much shame and pain were launched from the fearful inner war. Acceptances, compassion and truth have been the way out of these.
Thank god that the truth prevails eventually. 😐
Intimacy With God
8 minutes 20 seconds is the time for sun’s ray to reach earth. The sun , our sun, the source of energy for all of life. The god of life itself. I love sun tanning, its rejuvenates and recharges me. Every now and then my body will scream for a moment with the sun. The sun’s ray shot through the heavy clouds at 11am, my body is excitedly pushing me for a session with god. Armed with a book “The end of Fear” I went to the poolside for tanning. 15mins of front and 15mins of back tanning. I lay down the deck chair , welcoming the sun’s ray to do it’s magic.
Awhile reading the chapter about fear, love & oneness my awareness seems to expand. The sun’s ray caressing every pores on me. Whenever the ray touches the pores tinges in excitement and the hair just raises in mini orgasm. A human have about 5 million tiny hairs on his or her body. Assuming just 1/3 are raising in excitement that is more then 1 million mini excitement. All snowball into one huge pleasurable orgasmic experience that is divine; felt like intimacy with god. 😛
A sudden realisation that peak experience in life can be an interplay between man and nature. The lure of nature has seemingly increase in my tiny human mind.
Phases Of Evolution
There is a saying ” As pure as a baby”. When we are born we have no prior conditioning, we are behaving from our true self. The pureness stems from our action that is derive from our truest self. The emotions from a baby is so delightful as it express it in the most unconditioned state. Happy or sad it is written all over its actions and expressions. No mask no hiding from the world, expressing itself as it is his/her birth right :). It is a state where expression is the purest and natural.
As the baby grows, he/she starts to learn from the world around. The worldly conditioning sets into he/she and it start to learn about hurt and shame. As we living beings are fearful of hurt and in pursuit of joy and happiness. Masks are created and recreated many times and many layers to protect itself from hurt and shame. Our masks evolve as time goes by, adaptive to the world it is in. Basic reason is to avoid hurt and moving towards joy.
By the time the baby grew to a toddler, he/she most likely have adopted masks that is so adaptive to it’s evolving world that he /she may have start to forget that it is not his/her true self. His/her masks starts to take over its true self slowly from a moment to all the time. Slowly he or she may have believe that their masks is its true self.
I felt that this process is like a human turning into plastic (Lego). So fake and yet so real. So scary and yet so easy. Many a times this masks follow us till death and maybe one still does not know that they have not truly live before.
I have a huge awakening 2 years back. My life seems fine but the sadness from the heart that seep through is so overwhelmingly painful that I have to start searching for the reason. I guess when our highest intention is set the world will react accordingly. The path of my realisation is set in motion. Only now then do I understand that I have been living in fear behind thick layers of masks most of my life. I have been a passive actor of my life acting in accordance with the surrounding conditioning for so long. I intend to dispel the mist of my conditioning and masks and act in accordance with my truest self.
“Phases of Evolution” is a drawing to express my knowing of me becoming plastic, awaken and intending to become truly me.