Holy God

The dance with death can be long and painful or short & quick tango. But eventually the dance will end and one will step through the gate of lifelessness. At that final moment one’s last gasp of air, last breath, last inhale & exhale and then life is gone from one’s physical body. The eyelid starts to drop down lifelessly and the body stall into lifelessness. It’s gone, he is gone.

Heart rate monitor shows a flat line and screaming it’s alert. But he is not moving, not breathing, no more living. Witnessing his last breath, his final moment and departure of his life brings an avalanche of tears. The tears seems to be symbolising my heartfelt farewell to him. We will never again have a chance to relive this current life story that we have shared for the last 40 years. May be we will meet again but our current story will have been a history as a past life. A farewell for our present to become our past.

Since young he has not been the healthiest but he is the one that comes to his mother’s rescue whenever she is beaten by her husband. Growing up in a poor family with many siblings was never easy. He has to roam the street and outside world to survive from a young age. Salvaging expired pineapple can, doing odd jobs and catching fishes from the river has been his childhood.

As an young adult he work as an unlicensed cab driver and sale man selling all kinds of stuff, bee hoon, shampoo, candles etc. His vehicle of choice is a van so that he can sell more. Because he had a van, a friend asked him to help fetched a Malaysian friend whom came to Singapore to work in the factory. This Malaysian friend is one hot young lady from Taiping (Malaysia).  They fell in love and got married. They work really hard for life and produced 4 kids.

He has been a responsible, faithful and hard working man for his wife, children and family. He is passionate about life and is proud of his own achievement in health and wealth. He enjoys dispensing his street smart learning to all. Diligent is his strong trait, in pursue of good health he will drive in the wee hours to climb a hill daily. In pursue of good wealth he will work 15 hours daily and 363 days a year.

After his wife pass on 7 years ago, he went into a depressive grieve. His heart and body deteriorated ever since then. He used to dispense tough love but his action always leave a trace of his sweetness to his family. Even in his weaken state he is always worried about his children’s well being.

He is my dad.

I never seems to be affectionately close to him, I guess I felt intimidated by him. I felt the benchmark he set for me is too tough for me, in a sense it killed a part of me. Hence the distance grows due to my fear of standing under his shadow.

These 2 years as his body deteriorated, our distance grew nearer as there is no more shadow scaring me away. I am glad that it have been this way as I start to feel his love that I have not experience before. The image of a scene 2 weeks before his departure resurfaces in my mind. He was in the hospital bed and I was standing beside it. He suddenly do a throwing motion at me and said “hold the baton, I am dying”. It is only now that I understand the meaning of it. It is his acceptance & acknowledgement of me. My part that have been killed have been revived.

Dad thank you for everything.

I am sorry for not living your expectation. Please forgive me.

I love you and hope that you depart to a much better place.

Journeying with compassion is like sailing through an ocean. Sometimes it is plain and peaceful, many other times it can be stormy and traumatic. To take care of others feelings and vulnerability with utmost politeness and sensitivity so as not to trigger them is one kind of compassion. I call this soft compassion. Being compassionate can many a times also trigger the other’s vulnerability. With clarity and wisdom this is a necessary evil.

Imagine a young child whom is curious about sticking his/her fingers into the edge of a door. One can understand that the young child maybe unable to comprehend the danger of this act. For the sake of the young child learning it the hard and dangerous way, one need to warn him/her. Children as children, they are always fearless in exploring the world. One may need to discipline them in a stronger way so as it will instil fear of their possibly dangerous act. This process may trigger fear and pain in the child but this is also out of compassion. Delivering this compassion may require firm and hard stances. I call this hard compassion.

Soft and hard delivery of compassion is the duality of approaching the ocean of compassion. The art of the types of delivery for that moment is usually based on the clarity, wisdom and strength of the giver. In the drawing where the Goddess of Mercy is sailing through the ocean. Above the water it is just her pure compassionate light and clarity. Below the water is her strength and wisdom symbolises by her dragon. With all these elements she is able to sail through the vast ocean under all weather condition emanating compassion. Hence journey on compassion is never easy, but through the journey one is being groom on clarity, wisdom and strength.

A recent experience of being a caretaker of a suffering immobile love ones  brought me through the journey of sailing from soft compassion to hard compassion. The transition from the plain quiet sea to the raging stormy ocean of compassion certainly tested my limits and breaking down at times. As a giver of compassion and caretaker of the suffering the first compassion have to be to ourself. When the stress is too much, stop, slow down and ground ourself to regain our clarity.

Always be compassionate to ourself when we are unable to journey through. It is okay to stop first to regain our bearing and only when we are ready then move on. The compassionate journey always starts from ourself. Through the journey our clarity, wisdom and strength will be groom and chiseled to emanate more in the journey of compassion.

Love yourself. 🙂

I saw a piece of write up on Hindu god Indra’s explanation of the world’s interconnectedness to his people at his time. He ask for his people to hang up a massive net and ask for a bell to be place on the every knot of the net. He strike one bell and cause it to ring and the the rest of the bell near it are also affected and started ringing. Then he told his people that each bell represents a person. As one single bell affects the other bells, all the bells also affect other bells. One person affects everyone and everyone affects everyone else.

To me it is a concept to explain that one in all and all in one.

Recently I had the privilege to witness the presentation of 35 individuals on their 2014 creative life. All of them are uniquely different and all of them triggered a different parts of me. My different parts resonated with different person’s story.  The beautiful, ugly, happy, sad, rich, poor, flexible and stuck phases of uniquely different life have something in common. They are all beautiful expression of the essence of life and they all triggered me in their unique sense. There always are part or parts in me that feels or resonated with each of the essence of their stories. As if each of the individual’s life story are in me and it felt like a thread connects the part that we resonated seemingly.

Then my mind starts to wonder.

Imagine 35 individuals are connected to me with 35 thread and there are about 7 billion people on earth so that means there are 7 billion threads linking to me. And each of them should also affect and  have a thread linking to each other’s different parts. The number of thread or link will be astronomical. How about others earthlings? They should have a thread linking to us as well, since we can feel and be affected by their well being.  How about the other beings with life visible or invisible? My goodness The number of interconnectivity will be so huge that I am stun in visualisation.

My understanding of One in All and All in one has been elevated to another level. I am feeling it other then understands it.  The interconnectedness of life just took my breathe away and I came back with new found awe.

I love curry. Even since I decided to go into meatless diet few years back, the only dish I miss is the curry chicken. It is really not the chicken that I missed but the thick curry gravy.  It reminds me of my grandmother. Curry chicken is her secret weapon to unleashed her love for her children and grandchildren. Every one loves it and I think she felt love through it.

Maybe it is her unconditional love that I missed and I have projected it into curry. I heard a friend talking about how grand children received the most unconditional love from grandparents as they are the ones whom allow the child to be a child.

No wonder I have constant craving of curry, is this the constant craving for unconditional love? Possibly. I will always go out of the way for a bowl of nice, Ah ma style curry. Many times alone I can take a bus to a vegetarian restaurant with the curry dish with that same scent. This indulgence is so much that one day I envision myself diving into a giant bowl of curry soup.

Another friend told me about someone whom is so fanatic about spaghetti that she got a giant plate of spaghetti made on her 90th birthday. Then she swam in it. Immediately I thought of doing a dip into a pool of curry at some later birthday. The nice part is that no one will want to eat the curry then, I will have it all for myself….. my precious. Ooops my indulgences is seemingly slipping into an addiction. Too much of the good stuff may not be good even if it is unconditional love.

A knowing of duality and the balance in life just flows through me. Tai chi is about duality and the balance of the 2 extremes. As in life when one is engulf by the energy of huge sadness, the opposite energy which is huge happiness will flow through to compensate and bring one back to a balance state of being. Energy is never about time or duration, it is about the quantity of it.

2 examples came into mind. One that is laden with sad energy through life may at deathbed be awaken with extreme happiness because one is going to be  released. One that is laden with happy energy through life may at deathbed awaken with extreme sadness because of one’s addiction to the good life. Duality is a function of life that brings all life back to a balance state. Equilibrium felt like the state of Zen. If all experiences of life be it pleasant or unpleasant to one is to be experienced truly then it is a conscious journey.

I don’t know why this knowing suddenly came through me this moment. But it certainly brings a sense of peace and grounding to me.

A sudden pain that strikes inside my head. There is just no way I could ignore it or pretend that it is not there. The intensity of it demystified any illusion I had at that moment. The power of pain shine truth through any self illusion. It’s a sign that it is something one have to focus on at that moment. Automatically both my hands cover my forehead instinctively. I didn’t ask of them to do it but they did it anyway with a mind of their own.

This is the OMG (Oh My God) points where our body try to soothes itself of the pain it is experiencing. Relieving the pain is of utmost importance. It is only when the the pain is gone and we are at a state of balance can we start sensing into the root of that pain. The pain is the signal to indicate that something has bring our system out of balance. It is of utmost importances to trace down to the root cause to resolve it. Because unresolved root cause will manifest bigger and create a bigger signal and eventually bring us to a state where balance may become almost impossible.

Hence OMG is our friendly forces which we usually meet in pain. 🙂

Inspired by the Temple of Carnelian – Entering the fierce belly of Sekhmet.

Upon entering the temple there is no return. Inside the temple there are no ground or ceiling it is just a vast space  in all direction of infinite distance. There is no way for one to stay still in one location for a second, every moment raging fireball is flying in all direction blazing anything in it’s path to ashes. On the wall of perpetuity there is a gigantic engrave mural of Sekhmet.

Blessed with my wings of speed, godly endurance and abilities I flew straight up the temple ceiling escaping from Sekhmet giant mural. No fireball have the speed to even touch me. I flew and flew and flew for the longest of time but there is just no meeting of the ceiling  or anything else. I stop and the next moment i realised Sekhmet’s giant mural appear on the wall in front of me. Then  hundreds of fireball catches up with me.

I dodge them easily and flew all the way left again racing away from the Sekhmet’s giant mural. Again i flew and flew and flew for even longer a time. There is end to this direction. The moment i stop for a breather, Sekhmet’s giant mural appear on the wall in front of me again. Then  hundreds of fireball catches up with me again.

I dodge them easily and flew all the way down again racing away from the Sekhmet’s giant mural. Again i flew and flew and flew for even longer a time. There is end to this direction. The moment i stop for a breather, Sekhmet’s giant mural appear on the wall in front of me again. Then  hundreds of fireball catches up with me again.

I dodge them easily and flew all the way right again racing away from the Sekhmet’s giant mural. Again i flew and flew and flew for even longer a time. There is end to this direction. The moment i stop for a breather, Sekhmet’s giant mural appear on the wall in front of me again. I am so tired and sick of struggling to escape and evading to find my way out. I shout at Sekhmet’s giant mural, “What do you want?” The next moment Sekhmet came to live from the giant mural and reply “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

I realised the struggling to escape is my way of evading the challenges I am facing. I see thousands of fireball heading towards me in all direction at this moment. I have decided to take them on, I braced my courage and hold my grounds.

The blazing explosion of Sekhmet’s thousand of fireball created a sound so loud that I cant hear a thing, created a light so bright that I cant see a thing, created the fire so hot that I cant feel a thing.

The next moment I found myself at a peaceful and beautiful grassland with the most soothing sunshine gracing on life. The Baptism of fire created a new found peace from my new found courage. 🙂

The Matrix is a movie that really flip my mind inside out. I was so attracted to understand the show that I watched so many times. It is about the world that humans are living in are but only a program matrix that link their mind to it. Their real body is being enslaved by machines as power source. A person living in the matrix called Neo got contacted by a group with supernatural abilities.  He was totally intrigue by them. At one point the leader of the group Morpheus explain to him that he is in a dream world and offered him an opportunity to see the real world.

“You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.“―Morpheus, to Neo

-quoted from Matrix Wiki

Many a times I have a strange feeling that the world we live in felt like a dream world. Sometimes awhile in my dreams it seems so real.

Even during my waking state it occur to me that I am operating from a different parts at different situation and time. Different parts (conscious/ unconscious) taking over the driver seat  or sharing the driver seat operating my interaction and experience with the external world.

My teacher that teaches inner work, I kind of envision her as Morpheus handing me the blue and red pills to pick my intention. 🙂

Breathe :

1. To take in air into the lungs and expel it. Physiological process

2. Be alive ; remains living.

-as quoted from google.

Breathing is the basis of life for us. Breathing can be such an automated process that it can run at our background so unknowingly so naturally that it have become a significantly insignificant process.

Many a times when I try to consciously breathe. I  realised that it takes huge effort  to maintain my attention and focus on it. Such mundane but significant process that powers on to allow my life experience to unfold to whichever direction my observer are lead to. Without breathe there is no life, without life there is no experiencing. Magic is the only word that I can come up with to send my warmest regards to my breathe that power me on from birth.

Experiencing life can be such a breath taking journey that many a times it halted my breathe when I am frozen or stuck. When that happens my life is in peril of cessation. No wonder I felt that I have died through a stuck phase and felt reborn when a breakthrough came. Being frozen or stuck stops my breathe so much that life cannot continue. And most likely just before fully crossing the door of lifelessness magic happens to bring me a breakthrough. And so I have a touch and go from lifelessness. That I think is call reborn. Many a times in life there are chances of reborn to allow us the magic of experiencing a different path within our same body.

Breakthrough = Reborn  :O