Ouch

Clarity is such a beautiful word. The path towards it does not seems as beautiful for now. As awareness starts to increase all the usual small stuff turns into a gigantic one. Its like observing a small cut under a microscope. Usually the pain felt so small that you forget about it in a while. But once it is under a microscope, the cut can look so horrifying that it induces massive fear, guilt and pain. And together with the critics that pounced in for the free slaughter, it seems like fear, pain, guilt and all the shadow parts is having an al fresco party. Ouch…………….

All my sanity went for the cover when moment like this happen. Imagine it is like the government declaring a no law day, all the murderers, thieves, rapist and bullies just come to enjoy their deeds in broad day light. The normal citizen of the country will be living their darkest moment of their life.

I seems to be hitting this point in life. Words, communication and even a feeling exchange can trigger me in such a sense. Today I was triggered again and I kind of just fell into a swimming pool of dark and sticky water of pain. I know the reason, I know why, I know deeply that it is my ego going into a defensive mood. But my clarity on it amplify not only the problem but also on the hurt. So much so that I am deactivated from my own sane self. The only sanely act I could muster up is to stop all external communication and tune in for the moment before I create an unintended external mess.

Ouch……………………………………………….but I do see the reason for this to be happening but I still ouch …………………………………………………………………….    :”(