Being aware of my current plastic state is an awakening phase. But facing the truth within is my journey of self acceptances and lesson of grooming courage to face my truth.
A simple situation below has created a huge battle of owning, holding and living with how I truly felt.
When my cleaner suddenly text me that she is raising her rates a day before coming, I felt angry that her ways of informing makes me felt force. My ego felt that her demand rates are much above her work required hence I felt cheated but continues with her anyway as it is so last minute. Clearly I can see that she have her rights to demand what she feels deserving but I just could not get through my feelings of being cheated. My old ways of being is to sweep all my negative emotion under my plastic carpet and the world is rosy again for us all. This time I did not allow myself my old ways of operation. I allow the cheated emotion to raised within me, get to know it’s root and seeing a way to live with it. This was not easy for me as my aura of this anger seems to affect my cleaner and I can see that she is affected much by it. As much as I did not enjoy the air of anger between us, I held on to be in sync with what is truthfully real in me.
It has been 2 weeks after that and my cleaner came again today. There is still some uneasiness in our air space but I suddenly realised that I have been more authentic with myself. A new found respect for the courage to stand in my truth.
Thank you Jon for describing the inner process so vividly.
I am so used to “automatically” numb my feelings (due to inner critic) that my plastic smile
just come on instantly even though deep inside me are churning of angry emotions.
For me awareness is the first step followed by observing and feeling what is inside.
My biggest challenge is to have self-acceptance… that I am not perfect… it goes against my ISI… to acknowledge who I really am at this moment though I am striving to be perfect.
Thanks for sharing Ourania. Being present in the moment is true living.